Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
