she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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