he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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