It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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