this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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