Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
