I feel like abortions should bother me more
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
