if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
