But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
As shirtless as possible
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize