mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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