I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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