I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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