During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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