I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
