so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
