I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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