Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Randomize
