Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
