He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
