I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Boobs speak an international language.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
