This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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