I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
