It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
