Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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