Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
