Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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