you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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