did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So many bounce houses so little time
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
