Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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