Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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