Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
