I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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