I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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