Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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