there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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