I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
