i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
