I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize