I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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