What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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