I smell stomach acid.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
