I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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