I cannot find my penis.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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