the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
