I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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