My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
