I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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