There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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