Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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