Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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