There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
