My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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