how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
