You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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