I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
