Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
